Reflections

As the year comes to an end I like to look back and reflect on the past year. This year is one I will gladly put behind me and look forward to a new one. This is the hardest year I have faced and hope to ever face (unfortunately I do not think this will be). The year started off with a bang, Scott's Dad was going in for his second surgery to drain blood off his brain. Everything went well and we have not noticed any lasting damage. This was hard for the kids, because a few months before our sweet Nanny had fallen and hit her head. It was touch and  go for awhile, she had surgery to give her a feeding tube so she could eat, she was in a nursing home for several months and in now home with her sweetheart. We are thankful to still have her in our lives and cherish the time with her.

 This year has also given us our hardest trial as a family and as individuals. Through it we have received many answers to questions and have begun the process of moving forward. I also have found my darkest and ugliest side that is just begging to come out. I am happy to say that most of the demons have been kept under lock and key and very much under control. Unfortunately other demons have been able  to seep their way into my life. I have become an extremely bitter person, due to the hurt I have allowed others to cause. I have question beliefs that I thought we a lot stronger then they are. On the flip side of that, I have found strength in myself that I didn't know was there. I have found forgiveness for those things which hurt the most. I have developed such true and strong bonds with friends that are so amazing. I am so thankful in how much they have helped me during the past year. I have been able to more fully realize the difference between judging a person, and discerning what is not healthy to have in my life. My family and marriage have never been stronger or more open. (We still have most days that feel like the impossible, but I can also say we are moving forward). I am also thankful that my relationship with my siblings and their spouses have grown stronger through the trials we have faced this last year. They have been so kind, loving and supportive and that is a great blessing to me. I have also felt a new bond being formed and new beginnings with Scott's family also.

As I look forward to this upcoming year there is much to be excited about. I look forward to having the house all done and in order to sell. I look forward to having a fresh start. It will be good to de-junk the house. It is just to bad that once again we will finish the things we wanted to do just in time to move, well if the house sells ;) I am anxious to see where we will be a year from now. I hope I can look back and say that was hard, but not as hard as I thought looking back on it. I am excited to watch the kids as they perform in dance. I can't wait for Scott to take them on their first bear hunt, they are so excited for this. I love that Harley is wanting to learn how to sew this year, with her new sewing machine. I look forward to the time we will have together working on quilting and her and Kaylee's project of making skirts to donate to those in need. I will continue to cherish and dread the weekly trips to ABQ, hate the drive but love the time with the kids. As hard as things can be, there is so much to look forward to in life. It is just getting past the moment and ourselves to be able to see what there really is to look forward to and what really is important.

Christmas

We had a great Christmas this year. The kids were so excited to get to see all the family, even if we had the stomach flu going around. I was able to take the kids snowboarding one day, they went and shot guns another, they did laser tag, we had our knock-out game at the church with the Lacey's, Chanel put on A Night in Bethlehem, family pictures, and lots of other fun. I just wish everyone was feeling better so we could have had more time together. The kids also had us up @ 2:30 Christmas morning to open presents. We told them to head back to bed after a bit, but Harley was just too excited. She did get a good nap in after church (and some during). We all had a great time. We will miss everyone, but I will be happy to get some sleep ;0)

Our Christmas Miracle

This may not seem big to many, but to me it means the world. This past year has been a trying one, a little (or perhaps big) piece of each individual in the family has been lost. We are trying to get what we can back, but we are also forever changed, the kids most of all. Often this past year I have wondered if I will ever get some of that sweet innocence back. Through many trail and errors and trying everything possible, we slowly move forward and gain glimpses of ourselves back. Yesterday I was able to see in the kids a part of them returning that I worried was forever lost. It may have just been a glimmer, but it was there. The journey will be long, but there is hope to have it return in a stronger and less fragile version of my sweet kids.

It's Almost HERE

Can't wait for Christmas! It is almost here! It is so much fun having family arrive almost daily! Please hurry and all get here. We can hardly wait!!! Santa was even so excited he dropped off a gift early last night so the kids could enjoy it with the cousins. Today is Scott's last day of work this week and I am ready to have some time with him. I don 't think I have been this excited for Christmas in a long time :)

CHristmas Started Early this year

Thanks to Dad, we received some treats for Christmas a little early!!! Every so often we get points to redeem fro Dad and so this year we decided to replace the WII balance board that we keep meaning to for the past two year and also got the Wii Fit plus with it. I forgot how much fun that silly little board was! We also got new charger for the WII, may the WIImotes will stay charge (ha). I also was able to get a Kindle. I have wanted one forever. I just got the basic, that is all I really need. I really haven't been able to do much with it, but I LOVE it. So much nicer then carrying a book. It also came just in time to get the new book for Book Club that will be starting back up. Yeah! Needless to say, we are enjoying our pre-Christmas presents. Thanks Dad!

Thanksgiving

This year for thanks giving we went to Utah. It was a fun and much needed relaxing time. Things were kept low key and stress free, just what we all needed. The kids had a blast with the cousins. Instead of heading out to the movies we rented some from Redbox and set up a concession stand in Nana's kitchen. The kids were in heaven. They each we given a certain amount of "money" and had to purchase tickets and treats. So much fun and I am sure a new tradition.

All Right my Peeps

I am doing a giveaway over on my scarycute site and on facebook. Think of a Christmas gift! So you better enter (family and friends) so it doesn't look so lame with no one entered and feel free to spread to word. Thanks for your support. I am trying to get this going a little more to help pay for that back and forth to ABQ every week (just to guilt you a little more ;) into helping me out. Thanks again

Contemplation

Today while trying to get my burn on (aka trying to run or more jog) I looked back at the past year. It has brought challenges I never saw coming. They have brought so much anger, bitterness, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, and depression into my life and those closest to me. This past week I decided that enough is enough, I know there are many hard days to come, but it is time to move forward and pick myself up. I am slowly getting back on top of my house, I was able to workout three times (hopefully four tomorrow) this week. There also have been many answers to questions that have been plaguing us that are finally becoming more clear. I have decided that I need to start a gratitude blog so that everyday (well hopefully a few times a week) I can sit down and look at the positive going on around me. So hopefully between getting my burn on and writing what I am grateful for I can pick myself up and get back some of me that has been lost for a little while.

Legoland

After church we decided to take the kids to Legoland. The kids had a blast. They loved seeing all the cool things made out of Legos, they had a lot of fun on the rides, and it was nice that the line were not to long considering it was the end of June. Harley wanted to get pictures of all the Lego creations she loved (my little shutter bug) and Noah was ready to ride the rides. I have to say my favorite was a Star Wars themed ride and it flung Scott and I around like crazy. It was some robotic arm looking thing. I love the thrill and Scott hates getting motion sick, but he is a good sport and goes on the rides with me. It was a good day.

A day at the beach

The house we stayed at was a bout a block from the beach, so on Saturday we decided to head to the beach for the day. The kids had a blast. They all learned how to body surf and Scott even took the surf board out and go up on it a couple of times. They dug for sand crabs, built sand castles and even buried each other in the sand. It was a great way to spend the day with the family.

I should be...

I should be cleaning, painting, packing, working on my assignments for young women's, catching up on my blog, calling my family I miss so much, being less self-absorbed, and the list goes on and on.

Instead... I am taking a minute for me, catching up on what is going on in other's lives, daydreaming about what our next chapter might bring and being scared to death of not knowing what will happen, trying to learn some patience (still not working), thinking I should get a few of the above list done (but not), probably going to run to Hobby Lobby to look for items needed to work on some projects (which does include young women's so that works, or at least I will tell myself that.

Heading to San Diego

A few days after we arrived back home from Price, we turned around and headed to San Diego for Mikael's wedding!! We left after work one night and drove until I couldn't see straight anymore. Scott wanted to keep going, but I knew he had less sleep then me. The next morning we woke up and head on our way as quick as we could. Of course we were stopped by the "Fruit Police" to which Scott only rolled by slowly (not stopping at all) with a partially rolled down window and yelled "We don't have any fruit, just Drugs!" To which the "Fruit Police" lady responded "We only care about fruit." We all had a good laugh.

We then had to make go through two border patrol stops. One we were waved through quickly and the second we were questioned if we had any one or thing illegal. Seriously, who answers yes? So Scott decided to let them know that we were just smuggling the kids. The patrol officer just laughed and said we could toss them over the border and they would pick up Spanish fast.  Then we were on our way.

We decided to head straight to the San Diego Zoo since we had just enough time and may things we wanted to cram in the trip. The kids LOVED it! They loved the kolas and giraffes the most. Maybe it was just Harley that loved those, but that is all I have heard about and can think of now. Here are a couple pics, of the probably 100-200 the kids and I took just of the Zoo (not exaggerating either)

Lunatic

In June we headed up to Price for Scott to do the Lunatic Triathlon. It starts at 10 pm and is SO much fun. He did great he beat all his goal times for the run, bike and swim (even doing an extra 100). He came in 14th overall. I am so proud of him and it is SO much fun for the kids and I to watch him.

Crazy Busy Summer

I always love summer and how relaxed it is, as far as schedules go. We have been on the move since June and it has been a blast. We started summer out with Scout Day Camp, an interesting and thankfully end to that era. It was based around sports this year. There were a few fun things to do, but a lot of down and boredom time for my boys. Thankfully I had a great group of boys and we tried to make the best of it. Noah really enjoyed the baseball card collection, and that is only because he wanted to hook his cousins up with some Giants cards. He also enjoys BB guns and archery (but the leaders were a bit grouchy this year and unfortunately I had to talk with them about being nicer to the boys). Noah and I ended up ditching the last night that was special for the Webelos. He had his fill the other four days of camp, and I must admit I wasn't heart broken to not go. It was fun to get to spend a week with Noah at the beginning on the summer. That is about all I will take from that camp, but I love to get the time with my kids even if it isn't the most exciting things we are doing.

Seeing Colors

I have been seeing many colors in the past two days. It all started out with seeing red, and I mean blood red. It faded away and returned this morning in more of a bright Fuchsia tone, not totally red but a hue of it. After some time I started to see blue, a grey blue. It is amazing all the colors we can see and that the seeing red really stems from the deep down blueish-grey that is really at the root of it all. Then if we are no careful the black begins to sneak its way in.

It seems these days we are fighting off the black more often then not at our house. It can so easily envelope us as we go through our trials. We tug and pull and try and swim our way through at times. Some days all it takes is a little breeze to blow it away and others seem to surround you no matter how frantically you try and keep the black away. This year is full of trials around here, and in some respects I know exactly what to do and in others I am in complete confusion and loss at how to handle what is thrown at me and my loved ones. As a parent we try to set the example of how to handle situations and turn to our Heavenly Father for help. We have to show patience in getting the answers we need, but it is hard at times. We long to make it all well and happy and safe, but that truly is not our reality raising a family today. It can all seem a bit overwhelming to fight off the blackness that can so easily engulf us. As I have struggled with this today a thought popped into my head, maybe it is just opening our eyes to let the light in is all it takes. Enjoy all the beautiful colors that come with the black. There is beauty in the blueish-grey, the red, the fuchsia and every other color out there we see (or feel). Because if we did not feel these things we can not grow and become stronger. That just doesn't mean I have to like it, but I can grow from it and enjoy the rainbow that will eventually make it's way back through.

WAHOO!!!

Only a half a day of school left and no lunch to pack tomorrow!!!!! Just thought everyone would like to celebrate. Maybe I will get around to posting end of the year pictures, but I promise nothing

Our Little Misty

We have had our new puppy for a little while now and the kids (and me) are loving her. With that being said I must admit we have a knack for picking out stubborn dogs. She is determined and not the easiest to potty train so far. I keep telling myself that she is still pretty young and we need to have patients. How much the kids love her is worth it though. She loves them a ton already too. She whines while they are at school and lays by Noah's bed waiting for him to get home or under Harley's bed sometimes. She is going to be a great friend to the kids, just like I remember my dobby Angie being to us when we were growing up. I just wonder if she will realize that she is not a lap dog when she is fully grown, because she likes to be all up in your business and having company at all times.

Noah's Birthday

So I am over a month behind on posting this, but at least I am finally doing it. Noah turned ten this year. He was so excited. All he really wanted was a camera, oh and a new Pokemon game. Scott had to work the night of Noah's birthday so he opened a his presents before Scott left. He was thrilled to get his camera and some new digs for the summer.The kids and I celebrated a little at the house that night with giant cupcakes. His family party would be on Sunday with a Coldstone Red velvet and Cookie Dough Cake, and dinner too. It was a great birthday and he is having a blast snapping pictures of the most random things.

A new addition to the family

We just randomly decided to add another member to the family today. OK not so randomly, there is a purpose behind our thinking. We are going to add another girl to the family. We will get her Easter weekend, hopefully. And who are we adding you might ask. A new Doberman Pinscher puppy. We are having my sister go and check out the family she comes from and her personality to make sure she is a good fit with the family. She currently lives in Utah. We think the puppy we are getting is the grey on with the face looking out at us (not totally sure on that though). She is the owners favorite of the litter, so that is a good sign. We decided to get a Dobby for several reasons. One being Noah has been having nightmares lately and we hoped that a bigger dog would help out, Scott like the protection of one, I miss running with my old dobby Mercedes, and I said the only way we can ever get another pet is if it is a Doberman. So there we have it. The next month will be torture waiting for new arrival for the kids.

It's Amazing

It's amazing how life comes at us throwing trials in our way. The way we take these trials can really build our character or destroy us. As of late I have rediscovered the things that are most precious to me (My Family, the gospel, Heavenly Fathers tender love, what peace the atonement can give in our loves, the love Jesus has for us all, the power of prayer, the comfort of scriptures, priesthood blessings, blessing of the temple). It amazes me how quickly life can be completely turned upside down and we feel as we are being tossed about in a storm like a rag doll, but turning to our Heavenly Father can calm me on the inside to deal with the chaos going on about me. To give me the words I would never have on my own, to give me love and compassion when I thought it was not possible, to increase my love ten fold, and to humble me more then the smallest piece of dirt. I hope through all I do, many mistakes and all, that I can try and learn from my difficult times and grow and not become bitter and hateful. I am grateful for the peace I feel in the center of the storm. I am grateful to have a husband to helps to keep me grounded and stand by my side. I am truly blessed to have a great husband by my side.

Somedays Life just gets to you...

And I had one of those days yesterday. ;) I never have enough hours or energy to get it all done, as I am sure everyone knows. I am not super women/mom and that is ok. After having a major melt down yesterday afternoon (after walking in to a house full of freshly cleaned rocks and every towel in the house dirty, after just washing. folding and putting them away) I realized that I NEED to chill. I have been trying to work on this concept for awhile, but it is not taking so well.
Sometimes life seem more then I can handle with non-stop doctor appointments, dentist appointments, church callings, cleaning, running, school projects, homework, grocery shopping and on and on... (you know the drill) So, I guess if my house doesn't get cleaned the way I want or at all this week, life will go on. I just wish I knew how or had the energy to do a little more and save my sanity, what little is left of it anyways.

Mom will you...

"Mom will you come here and tell me how good my drawling are?" asks Noah after school. I love it.
 As he walks in and see's me typing this he says "Someone is going to see it and say Awe and then tell someone else and they will say, He's not MANLY!"

To cute!

My Last Party For Harley

I am so sad that Friday will be my last Party for Harley!! (and a little excited too, I am getting sick of all the parties, but not enough to not be sad) I can't believe she is already almost done with elementary school!! Time flies too fast, it seems like yesterday we were getting her ready for kindergarten. She would cry at the door everyday and I would just turn around and walk off to leave her to deal with it (my heart breaking with every step I took). Now I am being told how unfair it is that Scott and I get to make all the decisions in her life with tears (this stems from a conversation on which high school she would get to go to). I still can't get over how quickly life passes me by these days.

Lesson Learned

I hate having my children grow up and face new challenges and learning experiences. I have to admit I am so happy and proud to be blessed with great children (somewhere they mixed up giving us our payback trouble makers, but don't let anyone know). And what exactly am I talking about you might ask, well I will tell you. It all starts with a birthday party, a spend the night one at that. I am not a fan, but I have a great daughter who is a good girl. All week I tossed the idea around of letting her stay the night and just letting her have a late night. Finally Scott and I decided that we'd just let her stay the night.

The next day after she is home she comes to me and lets me know a couple of the girls decide to play True or Dare (a game not allowed in our house, because I know what starts happening as kids get older). She told them that she is not allowed to play and sits out and does her own thing. By this time the parents are asleep and unaware of what is going on. One of the girls dares everyone to get naked in front of each other. A couple of girls decided to opt out, obviously including Harley, so they have to go hang out in the closet. The girls who decided to participate were stinkers to those who didn't want to do this, knowing that it not ok. Harley said it stunk to be treated badly for standing up for what is right, but she would rather have that then do something she knows wasn't right.

I am so thankful that Harley will come and talk to me about these things. I am so thankful that she is a strong individual that will stand up for the values she believes in. I am thankful for the prompting to teach her we don't play truth or dare at a young age. I have been blessed with a daughter who is far better and stronger then me ( my son is too).

So the lesson of the story is...no sleepovers, no truth or dare, and it sucks to have your children grow up and have to worry about these kinds of things,

At the end of my rope

Today I am overly stressed. I don't know why I started the day that way. Maybe it is because I feel so far behind and wish that my house was cleaner and I didn't have a mountain of laundry sitting on my couch to clean. Who knows? Needless to say I woke up in a crappy mood. I can't talk myself into a run this morning, I just am so tired and my legs feel so fatigued, so I opt for yoga and hope that helps. I feel a little better and start to daily routine.

As I am getting things done I feel pretty good and my mood starts to improve. I may get to a good point today. I start getting a few things done in Harley's room and notice there are some things shoved under her bed, a constant fight around here. So I start pulling things out to make a pile for her to clean up when she gets home. Then I grab something sticky and gross. So I start digging more. There is this creamish-brownish goo all over the place. The girl decided to disobey me last night and sneak make a concoction that is supposed to be an awesome conditioner that make your hair super shiny. All I can remember that is in it is evaporated milk and honey. No wonder why it smells like dough!

I am livid. Now the carpet has a yellowish stain (not the first or the last). That isn't even the part that bothers me the most. It is the blatant disregard to my "Not tonight, we can do it this weekend when we are not so crazy." (FYI This is a terrible busy week) You think that it is probably good that I have time before she gets home to cool down, that is what I thought at first. Now i realize that I am just going to have a few hours to stew and get worked up, so let's pray getting this written down helps.

To top it off my dumb dog decided to tear apart the trash can! I need to be minus two dogs or a child right now. Have I ever mentioned I hate my dogs? Well I do.

Being Tested

This upcoming half marathon in March is one that will be a test for me. I don't remember it being so hard last time. In the two years since I last did this I have had a few set backs (like adding on some good old poundage and just in general not feeling well). I signed up to give myself a jump start on getting back to a healthier-happier life, praying that I didn't get drawn in the lottery. Needless to say I did. Excitement runs through my veins at the thought of doing it again and dread for the lack of running over the last year and a half.

Come January first I jump all in and am determined to make it happen. I feel like a rock star being able to go from no running to four miles by the end of the week, even if it is slow (11 min miles). The next week I rock out another five. I am on fire! The distraction of having to head to Utah once again for my Father-in-law to undergo draining blood off the brain (for a second time) doesn't stop me. I make sure to get my running in early that week. The blisters are already forming and testing my resolve to battle through the pain of constant blisters on my arches. I know I can do it, but I really don't want to, but I will. I also am starting to chaff a little, but no big deal.

Last Monday I came down with a nasty cold/flu/cough. By Wednesday I could hardly talk. By Thursday I knew I had laryngitis. Great a week of training lost. By Sunday I am feeling slightly better and hopefully that on Monday I can run a little or at least walk some. Yeah right, I get a stomach bug. Tuesday I feel better, but decide to give my body one more day.  Today I went right out the door, dropped the kids off at school  and headed to the treadmill at Mom's. I hoped to get a mile or two in before a coughing fit overcame me. I made it three. It felt great. I didn't realize how much pent up stress/anger had built over the past week and a half without running. I walked a quarter of a mile to warm up and cool down. I feel pretty good, but can tell that I am getting over being sick. The worst part of it all. I rubbed a descent amount of skin off from my sports bra and it is killing me. I guess this one is not going to come easy, but I will prevail!

A Sweet Phone Call

Today I get a call from the owner of the Dance studio that the kids take classes from. She wanted to check and see if things were OK. Noah has missed the past two classes of Break dancing class. One week were went up to see Jon after getting blood drained off of his brain and the next we were all sick. Noah's instructor was worried about him and wanted to make sure everything was OK and wanted to make sure he hadn't quit. I told them that he hadn't and about our crazy life. The owner said, "Oh good."..." Noah is one of his favorite in the group and is on the front row for the performance." I know Pride is bad, but it sure makes a Mom proud to hear that (even if we are constantly trying to harness all that energy into a stronger break dancer and not so much spazziness).

It's Getting Old

It  is getting old being sick. I started to come down with a cough over the weekend and I hoped it was just a little bug. We got back in town late Sunday and it went down hill from there. I pretty much just layed around and got little accomplished this week and I'm sick of it. The cough got worse, the body aches came, my throat got sore and then I lost my voice. I am slowly getting it back, thankfully. I told Scott that most men would be happy to have their wives loose their voice but not him. He wanted to ask twenty questions on everything. It was hard to squeak the answers out and I tried to get him to ask yes or no questions so I could just shake my head. Instead I got multiple choice. I am sick of drowning in water and eating endless supplies of oatmeal and chicken noodle soup, but that is all I've been able to handle. Hopefully it will be over soon.

I can't believe I won something!!

I joined a site Scrapbooking Challenges to help give me inspiration and fun with my scrapbooking. Over the weekend you had to do a layout and go to everyone's blog and check theirs out. I thought it would be fun , so I did it. Today I found out I won one of the prizes. I am so excited, I could use a pick me up and it is super cute . Check it out

You can check out my page I made here.

It's fun to win something and get some scrapbooking done at the same time.

One of my goals this year

I am not a big New Year's Resolution person, but I do have goals I set every so often. One I am hoping to accomplish this year is getting my scrapbooks done for 2004 and 2005. I am only doing two complete year because I realized 2004 was a little slim on pictures. I wondered why I was such a slacker, I know we all have those years, and then I remembered that it was the year we moved to Farmington. The first part of the year was filled with Scott starting back to school online and me getting the house ready to sell (painting, fixing, cleaning out, and all that fun stuff). We had decided to move and didn't tell  anyone for a long time, we were worried about Scott keeping his job until we were prepared to move. So, needless to say, it was a crazy year. I probably still have a ton of pictures when I get right down to it, just not the usual 1000 or so of each kid ;) I know a lot of people think I am crazy doing this being so far behind, but I just can't resist the walk down memory lane and these cute faces.

They are classic Harley and Noah faces that are made to this day.

Just thought I'd let you know

I am freaking out right now about getting into the Moab Half! I really don't know how I am going to do it. I feel like my mind is defeating me without even trying! I need a serious and quick attitude adjustment! I hope to prove myself wrong in the end, but right now it all just seems impossible. I just need to adopt the I can do this mantra. Only time will tell at this point. It will be a to finish and not for time on this one I'm afraid.